Just Cirrhosis, He Wished
by Calfie
Summary: In which Okita knocks Kagura up.


Belongs to Hideaki Sorachi, 'n shit;  
has some pervy stuff. But not enough to be M-rated, I think;  
enjoy, enjoy.

* * *

Sex between Kagura and Okita was an infrequent but terrifying ordeal, during which (loved) ones often could be found checked into nearby hotels under assumed names, or simply vanishing for a twenty-four-hour time frame.

It really depended on who was hosting.

Shinpachi had the good grace to run home once he heard two pairs of feet coming down the hall (with or without his sandals, as he leapt out the window). Gintoki usually was out of the Kabuki district before the thought of making love crossed either of their minds. He had a sixth sense for those kind of things, he claimed. But Ms. Otose did not, and had once made the mistake of sending Catherine up to _quiet them down_. Catherine had returned with third-degree burns, for some reason or another.

At the Shinsengumi headquarters, Yamazaki once erred in hitting birdies against the door of Okita's room. The next morning he was found in the gutter of an okama bar with his head through the racquet. No one else had had the gall to fool with their fooling around except for Hijikata, who was justifiably outraged when he found his last jar of mayonnaise and favorite butter knife missing. But just asking _how_ they'd been defiled was punishment enough.

So with little interference and a lot of space, the two usually proceeded like alley cats.

Whether either enjoyed it was another story.

Kagura, when asked, said it was just something she did purely for entertainment, like taking Sadaharu for a walk or watching the weather with Gin-chan in the morning. Not that anyone usually deigned to ask, but if they did, that's what she would have told them.

But Okita, who had always run on the assumption that Kagura took up this enterprising endeavor with a similar goal in mind, somehow likened it in his mind to frisky competition, however intimate. If she cracked a whip at him, he lit up his blowtorch; simple as that.

When some months later Kagura for once didn't snake a chain around his neck and asked him to go on a walk with Sadaharu, he was almost shellshocked and declined right away. But then he saw something that was maybe a distant relative to disappointment in her face as she twirled her umbrella and began to walk away. It was then, under Kagura's umbrella, with Sadaharu chewing Okita's head, that they shared their first kiss as an _exclusive_ couple.

As exclusive as the two could get, anyway.

**-x-**

There was a noticeable change in how "things" were handled between the two.

First of all, Okita seemed to exude a sense of good nature toward living things, however briefly. Unfortunately this small peace happened while he was asleep. Secondly, Kagura didn't feel the need to eat her weight in whatever could fit into her mouth and be disgested without much difficulty. Gintoki took full advantage of this, breakfasts at four in the morning and lunch somewhere in the hours shadowing noon. Third and best of all (at least to those unwittingly involved in the matter), business was usually taken care of in a filthy motel somewhere within the Kabuki district. Better the cockroaches bear witness to it than they.

The little romance manifesting itself between Kagura and Okita did indeed seem more beneficial; and healthier told Tae to Kagura gleefully. It was the absence of actual feelings before, she exlained, that left both of them empty and unsatisfied with the physical relationship.

"That's not it, ane-go," Kagura said lazily as she began to pick her teeth with a yakitori recipe that would be of no use to Tae anyway. "What it is is just he doesn't try to murder me as much as he used to. It takes a lot of stress off the situation."

Tae squirmed a bit, then smiled. "Is that... so?"

Kagura unbuttoned her shirt to show Tae her collarbone; she looked almost proud of the nasty scab (which was suspiciously shaped and presumably infected; Tae itched to go get some ointment or at least have Kagura button her shirt back up). "This was before." She then rolled up her sleeve to reveal a few scratches on her forearm. "This is now."

"Good, good. Very good."

**-x-**

Not that the two didn't break into fist fights then and again, or threatened to gore the other through the stomach with a pitchfork (to this Kagura was especially sensitive, because she was vaguely aware that in order to eat so much, she needed a functioning stomach; she wouldn't have her one of her favorite hobbies ruined by Stupid Okita—but the thought was actually mitigated when Ambiguously Comforting Okita told her she had nothing to worry about because she probably had four). It was only when she threatened to elope with Shinpachi (who had not consented to anything except for fathering Otsu-chan's children) that Okita became slightly jealous and subsequently angry with Stupid Kagura.

When Ambiguously Comforting Kagura moseyed over to the Shinsengumi headquarters to apologize, she told Okita that his peter was only slightly smaller than Shinpachi's (a fact she made up) and, besides, Shinpachi was still pubescent.

(Not that she wasn't either, still being sixteen and whatnot. But to her twenty-one-year-old boyfriend it was actually quite favorable.)

Okita then told her something that made her eardrums throb. She was suddenly overtaken with two strong emotions, which both causing her a great annoyance. To get at least rid of one, she asked how much money Okita had while dragging him by the arm to the roach motel. Apparently it was enough for the night, because neither hide nor hair was seen of them that night.

And she _must've said it back_, because Okita was strangely walking around like a tool for the next month.

That was until over a breakfast of scrambled eggs and bran cereal one morning before duty that Kagura proclaimed flatly that they were going to be parents. Then he smiled pleasantly and asked Kagura if she would finish him off when he comitted seppuku.

_Bitch must've been_ ovulating.


End file.
